overall, i did enjoy journaling. when you first mentioned this in class, i was like ahh..is it ever going to stop!? but as the weeks went on and you gave us different things to write about, it was interesting to be able to actually just sit down and write out exactly what i thought/felt. most people dont care, you made me feel comfortable in whatever we were writing about. i know that some people made the comment that they didnt like when you didnt give us a topic to write about, but i actually did like that. its crazy to see what your mind will come up with when you're just sitting..writing! anyways, thanks for everything. i really enjoyed your class, you're a great person! good luck in everything that you do =)

(WRITE 4) so, last night i decided that i was going to write my father a letter. not a hate letter,or letter that is trying to tell him how to be a good father. i simply started it out with the fact that as i sit here with a week left in my first semester of college there are hundreds of different emotions running through me. actually here is the letter that i started. ive decided that i want to try and get through to him, and the only way that im going to be able to do that is through a letter.

Dad.
As I sit here, one week before I’m about to finish my first semester of college a million different emotions are running through my mind. These emotion range from excited, because I did it, I made it through my first semester of college, and now I know that although its not always easy I can do it, the next emotion of my list would definitely have to be stressed, because exams are next week, and those are really going to suck. But an emotion that has been there for quite sometime now would have to be the feeling of something missing, and with that feeling of something missing would also come the word confused.
I’m writing you this not to ‘yell’ at you, or make you feel bad about anything. I just want you to be aware of what I think about everyday.
I am YOUR daughter. Although I know that we have never been close, or I’ve never been Daddy’s Little Girl, its pretty safe to say that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder how that would be. I know that this will never happen, nor do I expect it to now. But what I do expect, wait let me rephrase that, what I did expect from you when I left for college was at least a phone call more then once every 2 months. The last time I remember receiving a phone call from you was in September. It is now December. I’m sure that I’ll get a call from you here in a few days, but that is ONLY because it’ll be my birthday. While I was home over Thanksgiving break, the only reason I even seen you was because you stopped over looking for Tj. I received no phone call from you, and I know for a fact that you knew I was home. I made it a point to ask Tj if you asked about me while he was over at Grandma’s house, I won’t lie, he did say that you asked where I was. BUT that was the end of the conversation.

(WRITE 5) i seen one of the most disturbing sights today. as i was walking back from a class this morning there was this larger girl who was wearing a sweatshirt with a stick figure on it, minus the head. at the bottom of the swearshirt the phrase "need head?" was written. this made me absoultely sick, not becuase of the fact that this girl was larger but because of the fact that she is just giving herself a bad reputation. i dont even know this girl, never seen her before in my life, but just from seeing her wearing that swearshirt makes me think that she has no respect for herself. i feel so bad for girls that are like that. girls that like come off to me as having no self confidence. ahh..i feel bad for these girls. i wish that could look deeper then being known for giving guys whatever they want. maybe those kind of girls are just trying to fit in, or trying to get well known, but they're doing it for all the wrong reasons. i wish more girls would have more self control. i dont know if what i am saying is bad because im kind of giving this girl a reputation although i dont even know her, but to me when you wear something like that you're givng yourself the impression that you want me to think of you as. with that i would have to say that i am happy that i dont think of myself like that. i have respect for myself, and i know that if i dont feel comfortable in a situation that i have enough courage to say no, or i have enough courage to say exactly what i want to say at that time. although i've wrote about how the 'famous six' in high school made me into a monster of a person, this i have to give credit to 'them'. we were all very out spoken so i i guess overall i did gain something out of it that was for the good.

(WRITE 6) so, i know that you're well aware of the famous six. well i am friends with a few of them still, but im extremely concerned with one of them. she is currently still living in newberry, this is the one who works at the local bar in town, and has no intensions of attending college. during the first few months of this year i know for a fact that she attended all of the high school parties, she went to all of the football games, and basketball games. which dont get me wrong its not bad to support your home town, but instead of looking into a future for herself shes trying to live in the past. take for example when i was home over thanksgiving break one of my friends was having a little get together at his house. a lot of people were going to be there. bunch of kids that we graduated with, and a bunch that graduated before my class. i was excited to see a few people so this girl, her names jess, and i were going to get together after she got off of work. she works down at the same place i do, so she told me to stop down and visit all of the girls and hang out for awhile, so i did. and she specifically told me that she'd be out after she got off of work. so, when i left there i went home and waited with a few other people for her to get there so we could go back downtown to our friends house. well, she showed up when she said that she was going to..around 9ish. but instead of coming in and saying whats up to everyone, and getting ready to go..she came in and asked if she could talk to me alone. of course, i wasnt going to say no..so i went with her into a different room and proceeded to tell me that she was going to hang out with this older kid, steve whitmen. well steve is 21, he lives in newberry, hes doing nothing with his life, im almost positive that he doesnt have a job where hes able to support himself. but her reasonsing for going and hanging out with was that shes needs to find a "good friend" to consistently hang out. my jaw pretty much hit the floor when she told me this, but shes a big girl and im not going to tell her what to do. so, we went this kid. she was only supposed to be with him for an hour or so, they were just going to 'watch a movie' and then she was supposed to give me a call and meet down at our friends house. well, when i headed back home around 2ish i still had not heard from her. jessie is a bigger girl so i knew that she wasnt in any kind of danger, she'll pretty much tell anyone whats up. she not only hurt my feelings by not calling me that night and letting me know that she wasnt coming home, but she has yet to call. although i did get a card the other day in the mail, because its my birthday soon, which did make me feel better. but im worried about the girl. shes a great girl, i just wish that she would do something wonderful with her life.

(WRITE 7) ahh..last write. these are a really long time to actually just sit and write! my hand hurts so bad after. for the first 5 i actually sat down with a pen and paper and wrote, later i figured out that it was much easier to sit and type this out. but leave it to me! anyways..ahh my first semester of college is almost over. i cant believe how fast the time goes by, its amazing! i will admit that college is so much better then high school. although the dorms are not my favorite, and the cafeteria food is also not my favorite, i like it here. im looking foward to continuing my education and making the best out of my time here! sure, i miss my fam, and a few of my friends but it makes it all that much better when i go to visit. it makes my visit worth while! im looking forward to going home for x/mas. although i know about after a week of being there i'll want to come back here, but i'll be working and i'll get to hang out with a few of my friends, and of course i'll get to see the fam. but anyways, thank you for being a wonderful teacher. you were really helpful. as a freshmen, of course i was scared coming into this but you helped ease everything! good luck in everything that you do!

(WRITE 1) oh drama, drama, drama. i know i've wrote about this before but my roommate has some serious problems. she seroiusly needs to go and get meds, or something. ive come to the conclusion that she might be boarderline with bipolar. im not saying this to be sarcastic or a brat either. myself and my other 2 (normal) roommates have decided to live with each other next year. and we decided that we should tell the other one just so she knows, and shes not left out in the cold when it comes to finding a place to live next year. but telling her, as of right now, was a huge mistake. she started yelling, and throwing things. ha- yeah, throwing things. she was calling us names and then ran into the bedroom slammed the door and literally threw the covers over her head, and she currently will not talk with any of us. but ahh..shes so much drama. shes always talking about how she just wants to be happy and ever sence shes been here shes been so unhappy. but yet she neglects to go out and meet new people. shes ALWAYS sitting on her computer, she never leaves the room. she goes home every weekend, which also takes away from her getting to know people down here. i really hope the best for her but whenever anyone tries to talk to her she runs away, or yells back. she cant have a normal conversation with anyone. for example, she is always hanging up the phone when she is talking with her mother, shes always swearing at her, and always yelling at her. her mother is pretty much all she has left these days. i just hope that she realizes that sometime soon before she doesnt have it anymore. i hope she gets herself together sometime soon also, she has a lot of potential, she just needs to get it all together, and hopefully she'll be fine.

(WRITE 2) i talked to my brother today..ahh..i miss that kid so mcuh! hes a sophomore in high school right now. we have a relationship which you normally wouldnt expect between teenagers. hes one of my best friends. i tell him everything, we talk almost everyday. but ive been really worried about him. my brother has been in quite a bit of trouble for only being 16. he currently has 2 m.i.p's, a posession of marijuana, along with a failed drug test. of course, you need to take into the fact that he wasnt by himself when all of this happened, and you also need to take into fact that we live in newberry. a town that is full of drugs, druggies, and drunks. its not hard to get your hands on any type of drug, its never hard to find a buyer, our little town actually made the news for all of this last year. i know that its a great excuss but it does have something to do with him getting into trouble. although, i do blame him somewhat also. but my mom mentioned to me the other day that t.j. (my bro) has been failing to go to his meetings with his probation officer and hes been smoking again. i also know that he will for a fact get a drug test again here sometime soon. my mom told me that if he fails another drug test theres a possibility that he will be getting sent away to a dry out facility. i really dont want to see my brother end up there but he needs to learn. hes a very bright kid. always getting good grades up until this past year, when he started getting into drugs pretty heavily. hes been going down hill ever sense. right now he is currently dating a 20 year old. her name is lyndsay, she currently has no job, lives with her parents, and is into drugs also. this obviously isnt helping the situation. but he keeps telling me how in "love" he is with her. yeah, its pretty much one of his first serious girlfriends so of course he thinks hes in love. but yet when i was home over thanksgiving all they did was fight and argue with each other. for example i was going down to one of my friends house to hang out with a bunch of people that were going to be there, and i wanted to hang out with my brother so i invited him along, of course he asked if his girlfriend could come because she was coming over that night. i told him it was fine, it that was the only way i was going to get to hang out with my bro then i was fine with it, ya know. so, we get there..things are going good. everyones having a good time, talking about whats been going on. and then i noticed that lyndsay was gone, i asked teej where she went..she was upstairs...mad. because tj wasnt giving all of his attention to her. ahh..come on. they arent married. but anyways, i think over x/mas break im going to have a talk with him. i want him to know that i care about him and that im here for him. i just dont want him to end up like my loser dad.

(WRITE 3) so all i've talked about now are my worries..mise well add a few more. now im on to my mom. shes an amazing women. i give her so much credit. shes a single mom, shes raised 2 kids on her own, with absoultely no help. she attended college while having 2 kids, and keeping a job. shes just amazing! shes definitely my inspiration. anyways, shes been dating this same guy for the past 4 years. at first i was a little hesitant of him, but i gave him a chance..and he seemed like a decent guy. for like the first 3 years he was always around, he lived with us for awhile until his kids moved back in with him (long story), anyways..he went to all of our family events, and he went to all of my sporting events with my mom, he was at my graduation. he was always willing to help with anything, and everything. it was kind of cool, it was like a dad that i'd never had. but all good things must come to an end right. well, while i was home over thanksgiving i was down visiting at the resturant that i work at, and one of my cousins who also works there came up and asked if i knew if jody (thats his name) and my mom were still together. i looked at her funny and told her that yeah, they were..they were just together the other night. well, she went on to tell me that she has seem him at the bar the previous night with another girl. i was like oh my poor mother, but then again thats newberry for ya. i cant keep anything from my mom so, i went home and told her the news. and of course, i sat and listened to her talk about everything. how things werent going good for them, and how she didnt know if she wanted to be in it anymore. i watched her be upset for the rest of the time that i was home, and it killed me. now that i've been back down here at school for 2 weeks again, i've talked to her maybe 3 times. and everytime i ask her how thigns are giong. and well..ah..shes says they're going good. and things between them are going good again. well i've made a new impression of jody. hes still selfish, he still only thinks of himself, basically he still acts like hes in high school. to me it always seems like hes trying to start little fights. sometimes i think that he enjoys it. my mother doesnt deserve this, shes deserves to be given the world. i wish that i could tell her that she deserves so much better, but as long as she says that shes happy i cant complain. and when she does have a bad..all i can do is be there for her. so it should be an interesting x/mas vacation..being around both of them!

night one: i was in a really nasty dirty house and i was going to the bathroom (ha..?) the toliot was absolutely disgusting. so, when i was done in the nasty bathroom, i went to look for my brother who was there also, but i couldnt find him anywhere...thats all i remembered.

night two: i was going to hang out with this guy that i've been "seeing" for awhile now, he didnt know that i was coming over..he lives in chip village so i was going to go and surprise him sense the walk isnt very far. when i got there his 3 roommates were hanging out downstairs. so, i sat and talked with them for a few minutes before i asked where rj was. they all looked at each other and then everyone was quite for a minute until i asked them again. finally "b" told me that he thought he was upstairs but he wasnt sure. well, before i went into their house i checked to see if rj's car was there, it was. so, i got up and told them i was going to check things out. i went upstairs and opened the door to see something that i could have done without. yes, it was up there with another chick, and they werent just talking, or hanging out. i immediatly shut the door and back downstairs, i told the guys that they could have just told me what was going on, and then i walked out the door. as i was walking out the door i heard rj running down the stairs hollering my name...

night three: at my granny's house there is a huge staircase. i was at the top of the stairs and i slipped on the first stair. i started falling down the stairs and i'd hit every stair and then fly up in the air but i never got to the bottom. it was like a never ending fall.

night four: my friends and i were at a party and the cops showed up. i ended up getting split up form them and going into this random room in the house. i climbed up into the closet that was in the room and just kept on climbing up the shevles, i ended up in another little room.

night five: my whole family and i were camping at this campground not to far from our hometown. all i remember is everyone sitting around the campfire making smores, and laughing about stories from when all of us kids were younger.

night six: i had just gotten a new job and it was my first day. where i was working was about half an hour from where i was living, so my friend was bringing me to work that day. but the only way to get to the place where i was going to be working was through an underground tunnel. and the only way to get to this underground tunnel was through a garbage can, but there was so much garbage in it that we couldnt get to the bottom. i never ended up making it work!

night seven: my brother and i had been kidnapped by this guy, who actually wouldnt even be considered a guy. he was more like a monster. he put us in this basement that was full of junk, and very dirty. the only possible way out was either the door at the top of the stairs which was nailed shut from the other side or this one little window that looked like it had never been opened before. this monster was planning on torturing my brother and i so we had to get out there. so we each took turns trying to open this window..and each time we'd get further but we'd hear someone walking around upstairs so we'd stop and wait because we didnt want this monster seeing us trying to get out. well, eventually we got the window open and i was trying to help my brother up so he could get out first, just as i was getting teej out of the window the door opened and he started coming down the stairs, so i had to hurry and get out before he got to the window. just as i was getting through the window he was grabbing my leg, but i ended up getting through.

first of all if this is my funeral i would want everyone to be wearing PINK! yes, thats right pink- becauase pink is my absoulte favorite color and i would feel much better knowing that people were wearing a color that would make me happy instead of wearing the usual black. which is so dull- and has no meaning, to me at least. so..the letter--
dear family and friends.
please, no tears of saddness or mourning. sure there can be tears- but only tears of happiness. this is not a time to be sad- this is a time to celebrate. although my life has ended and i will no longer be with you please remember me as always being happy and being one of the few who has no regrets in their life. i lived and loved my life to the fullest. i experienced many things throughout my years with many of you here and almost all of those experiences were for the good, they've only left us both with memories that will last a life time. with all of the experiences and memories that you helped me create i've grown into a young women whom i am very proud to be! thank you for everything that you have ever done for me, you all mean so much to me. and please, when you're thinking of me, smile! theres to many people frowning in this world, why frown over me- when all of you know that i enjoyed my life and rarely frowned. i love you all.
now, this is just for my mother. you are an amazing women, and if i could have grown up to be like anyone it wouldnt be the most famous popstar, or the famous actress- it'd be you. i've watched you through the hard times- when you struggled and i've watched you through the good times- when you were on cloud 9. i look up to you in so many ways. thank you for never giving up on me, when others did. thank you for encouraging me throughout my life to do what made me happy because in the long wrong thats all that matter! thank you for everything-- you rock mom ;)! i know this wont be easy for you, me not being here- but you have t.j. and he'll help you remember me in only the good ways! i love you.